Filippo Morelli 講於2014年6月2日星期一晚 萬佛城大殿

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諸佛菩薩上人、各位法師、各位佛友：阿彌陀佛！今天是 spike 上臺跟大家結法緣；如果有任何說得不如法的地方，請大家慈悲指正。

我第一次來萬佛聖城，是在二〇一二年的十月份，為了參加觀音七。當時我和我的同修住在三藩市，我在矽谷工作。那一年的十二月份，我的同修再次來到聖城參加彌陀七；參加佛七完之後，有人告訴她說，她可以幫女校的學生補習。從此，她就漸漸地成為了女校的老師。在二〇一二年十二月一日，她就搬到聖城為常住眾；我在這一生中，沒有看過她有那麼開心過；就為了這件事，我很感恩萬佛聖城，和所有在這裡支持她和跟她合作的人。

在二〇一三年一整年，我在週末和一些佛七、觀音七等等時候，都會上來參加。所以我從此就比較熟悉佛教。但是，想要放下一切，對我還真的有點害怕。萬佛聖城本身也有很多方面讓我有些懼怕。雖然我有好幾次都去過中國，而且我也很喜歡中國這個國家。第一次到中國，好像我小時候回到意大利那種感覺一樣，很多人都不會相信；但其實真的是這樣子的。

經過很多次的討論，最後去年十一月份，我終於決定了，辭掉工作，搬到這裡。從二〇一四年一月份開始，我就在聖城一直常住。我認為我從來沒有這麼開心過。有時候，我會因為自己如此的開心而感到羞愧，當然事情也不是總是那麼好的。其實在今年三月份，我簡直就在生命的低谷。我想我應該是有很多的業障，因為很多在這邊的一些修行的方式，我都不能做好。比如說，我打坐不是特別好，而且禪七也令我非常恐懼。我一想到今年十二月份的禪七，我的腿就開始發抖。我也不太瞭解經典，我的同修給我很多經典讀，但是只有《六祖壇經》和《楞嚴經》，跟我比較親切一點；就是這兩部經，當我在上課去瞭解探討這些經典時，我還會覺得頭暈。我也喜歡唸誦《楞嚴咒》，但是我卻不能容忍上課去學習《楞嚴咒》。

我覺得很無助，很迷失。這種情形在每天的日常功課和聽法時，我越想要去積極地參加，越想要讀更多的經典，越想要逼自己去參加各種活動時，事情就變得越糟糕。所以我認為，這種情形其實在我天天的工作和交流中十分明顯，我會很不高興，而且時常都會指責他人的錯誤，去找他人的過錯。當時，我突然發現，如果我每一分每一秒都不能安心, 做一個佛教徒又有什麼用，更不要說去瞭解經典了。

所以我就想要做一個實驗。在六個月裡，我允許自己去讀任何經典，也可以不參加任何法會，就專注在每一分每一秒。其實不參加法會，讓我覺得很羞愧，沒有讀任何經典，也感到很不好；因為這些好像是我們這裡大家都得做的事情，而且也是別人告訴我我需要做的。但是我覺得給自己一定的期限讓我可以放下這些憂慮，況且我已經沒有什麼可以失去的, 我已經在一個很不好的處境了。一旦我開始認真地去瞭解，我周圍的世界有不同的人、不同的行為，以及不同的執著；這些執著都是沒有開始也沒有止境的。最後，我結論就是要去專注在三件事。第一，就是食物；第二就是去挑短處；第三就是妄下定論和批評指責。

食物對我是一個很大的問題。因為我是從意大利來的；意大利食物的名聲是不用講的。我也很喜歡中國的食物，特別是一些連中國人都不喜歡的食物，比如說臭豆腐。但是我也會很挑剔。有一次我在這邊參加一個觀音七，有一個女眾在結法緣時，分享道，她如何去修一種不分別的心。她分享說，她會吃她碗裡所有的食物，從左邊到右邊，沒有分別地去吃。這個對我印象很深刻，我就試一下。我去做，不要去拿我喜歡的食物，而多拿一點我不喜歡的食物。漸漸地，我有一些進展，我就開始多拿我認為說我肯定不喜歡的食物。之後，我就發現說，我開始執著每個食物，它們的不同的口味。我如果吃到一個不好吃的東西，也可以，因為我可以拿另外一個好吃的東西，來變一下胃口。所以為了解決這個問題，我就開始把我飯碗裡所有的食物，全攪在一起吃。之後，我就去專注在吃甜食。我一般每天都會吃兩片麵包，每片麵包都會抹花生醬和草莓醬，我開始就把這個食物斷掉。我在受八關齋戒時，這個變得非常困難，這個過程讓我看到了自己是如何一直在“娛樂”。當我不能看電影，也不能去玩時，我的注意力就全集中在食物上，因為食物還是齋戒時”允許的”。所以當我同修告訴我這個發現之後，我就決定把我們每天吃的食物限制在一碗。我們做完這個之後，我就有一些進展。因為一個碗裡只能放那麼多的蛋糕而看起來不是太糟糕。

過了幾個禮拜之後，我的慾望漸漸地減少了。到那時候，我就開始要多做一些觀想，吃得慢一點，也不要在我吃飯時打一些妄想。我認為這個對我有很大的幫助。而且，我也很喜歡這種修行的法門。

第二件事就是指出其他人的過錯，以及過早下定論, 過重的言語，抱怨以及閒談。像食物一樣，我一開始，就一直沒有專注在我嘴裡所講出的話。當我開始專注在我嘴裡講出的話之後，我就發現說，除了那些法會之外，我講出的話，有很多都不是正面的，很多是因為愚癡的妄想而形成的，一些對未來期許的妄想，一些本應如何而又沒有達到的妄想，一些我喜歡什麼的妄想。當我回顧在來萬佛聖城以前我在一天中的對話時，我就發現，大部分的交談都是沒有什麼意義的。當我把這些種種的妄想全部都斷掉之後，我發現，在我那天裡，有很多安靜的時間，有更多正面的地方。這個就帶給我很多平安與快樂。這也提醒我，抱怨其實是沒有用的。因為如果你有解決一個問題的方法，那你就馬上去做；如果沒有，那就不要抱怨，就讓它任其發展就好了。

當我有更多安靜的時間之後，這個就讓我更清楚地看到，我的種種分別，它們的根本；而且也讓我發現，我種種的分別都是從哪裡來的？是從我的心來的。不僅看到這些，我還發現我自己的過錯，其實我把自己的過錯都放在他人的身上。談到心和識, 在我沒有遇到佛法之前，就已經覺得所有一切都只是我們自己內心的反射。

所以在這兩個月裡，我就一直專注在我的貪心，在我種種的惡口，以及時刻關照我的念頭。就像我所說的, 我從來沒有感到如此快樂，以至於在我第一天開始付諸於行動的時候，就已經感到輕鬆了很多，我就又參加法會，讀誦經典，而且打坐也進步很多，當然還是很困難的。

這種修行也給我提供了一個機會反省戒律的重要性。在拜萬佛懺這一月裡，我的同修和我決定要受持八關齋戒。這個經驗也是難以形容的。我以前受持八關齋戒，最多只有一個禮拜就停了；因為很不容易持，以至於我一開始還不太願意要受持一個月，但是最後我決定了要去做，而且我也很慶幸自己有去受持一個月。這一個月裡每天日中一食，我發現，我從來沒有太餓過；但是當這個月結束之後，我不再受持八關齋戒時，我就總是很餓。這不僅說明了戒律的力量，也說明了願力的力量。

我知道，經典、法會、坐禪和種種的修行法門，都是非常重要的；但是就現在來講, 每天關照六大宗旨還有我剛剛講過的修行方法對我來說十分有效。因為我可以看到自己的進步。我雖然現在不能看到西方極樂世界，但是我能夠看到自己的饑餓，看到我自己想要追求娛樂的妄想, 我也可以看到自己的內心的想法和對話，我可以聽到他人向我求助的聲音以及自己有沒有去響應，我也可以看到他人的行為，以及自己的分別與不分別。

在這幾個月裡的用功讓我能夠把一生中的執著捨去一點點。去改變這些時，這證明了我可以改變。而我的願力也使我深信我的佛性就在那裡, 慈悲地、耐心地等待我放下我的無明。

我們總說有八萬四千法門，而我卻不知道我的法門是什麼。但是我很感恩，我有足夠的知識，能夠讓我慢慢學會放下以前的種種，來試驗我的這個修行方法。我必須承認, 不感覺到被他人評論是很不容易的。我們對修行彷彿有一個很特定的模式──上殿、 聽經、上課。雖然我並不確定不緊跟著我們的日程是否對我的修行不利, 但是以我現在的情況來說, 現在的實踐就是我的中道。當然這也許只是我的假相. 但是由於沒有智慧, 這個未知就總是一個因素。也正因為此，我懇請法會的大眾更發慈悲心，來幫助像我一樣需要鍛鍊如何把佛法融入日常生活而為修行方式的人們。

我想要加一點，有關於不殺生這條戒律。我最近發現地上有很多的螞蟻。我在讀《勸發菩提心文》時發現 ，所有在地上的螞蟻，以及蚊蟲，都是我們前生的父母。所以當我最近走路時，就專心看地上的螞蟻，不要去踩。但是我有一天站在一個螞蟻窩的旁邊，看到，好像有好幾百個螞蟻在上邊遊走，而且肯定有幾千個螞蟻在窩裡面，也在一直走動；這所有的螞蟻，都是我前生的父母，我真是大開眼界，我從來沒有這樣去想過這些螞蟻。我真的很感恩有這個機會，來改變我的想法，也能夠從此進步我的修行。雖然我對經典沒有太大興趣，但是我決定要繼續去改進。阿彌陀佛！

Filippo Morelli 講於2014年6月2日星期一晚 萬佛城大殿

All Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Venerable Master, all Dharma Masters and all Dharma friends, Amituofo. Tonight is Spike’s turn to tie Dharma affinity with everyone, if there is anything i say that is not in accord with the Dharma, please kindly correct me.

I first came to the City in November 2012, for a Guan Yin retreat. At that time we were living inSan Franciscoand I was working in theSilicon Valley.

That December my wife came up to the City again for Amithaba and during that retreat someone told her there was an opening to tutor some kids in the girls school. From there she was offered to become and full time teacher and in January 2013 she moved to the City and became a resident.

I’ve never seen her happier and for that alone I’m grateful to the City and everybody here that has supported her and worked with her.

During 2013 I kept coming up weekend and for some retreats, but while much felt familiar with Buddhism, leaving everything to come up here felt scary. And the City itself was intimidating in many ways. I’ve been toChinaseveral times and I liked it very much, the first trip we took it felt like being back inItalywhen I was a kid, which many people can’t believe, but it really is that way.

After many conversations, last November, I finally gave up, left my job in Google and moved here. I’ve been a permanent resident of CTTB since January 2014 and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. In fact at times I feel so happy that I feel guilty.

But it wasn’t always like that, in fact during March I felt I was at my lowest ever. The truth is, I must have a lot of karmic obstacles and  I don’t do well with a lot of the practices here. I can’t sit very well, chan sessions are as scary as it can get, my legs are shaking just thinking of this coming december. And I don’t seem to understand the Sutras. My wife has given me many to read, but the Shurangama is the only one I can relate to along with the Six Patriarch and even those, when I sat in classes and discussed them, made my head spin. I love to recite the Shurangama mantra, but I couldn’t sit through the Shurangama Mantra class.

I felt helpless and lost in the daily ceremonies and lectures, and the more I tried to make sense of it by reading more or forcing myself to attend the events, the worse things got. This state became obvious in my day by day work and interactions: I was unhappy and angry, pointing fingers and finding faults everywhere.

And then it hit me. What’s the point of being a Buddhist, let alone studying the Sutras, if in my every moment I can’t be at peace?

So I decided to run an experiment: for 6 months I’d allow myself to not read Sutras or attend ceremonies and just focus on the every moment. I felt really bad at the thought of not attending ceremonies or not reading Sutras because that’s what you seem supposed to be doing here, that’s what everybody tells you to do, but giving it a specific duration allowed me to let go of it, and what did I have to lose anyway? I was already in a pretty bad spot.

Once I let go of everything and just started paying attention to the present moment I discovered a world of behaviors and attachments with no beginning or end.

I primarily ended up focusing on 3 main topics:

– food

– pointing to bad things

– judging and scolding

Food is a big one. I come fromItalyand I think our reputation precedes us. I actually like Chinese food very much, in fact I seem to like certain Chinese things like stinky tofu that even Chinese people don’t like. Still, I can be very picky.

When I was here for a Guan Yin retreat a girl during a Dharma talk shared how, as a way to cultivate a non differentiating mind, she simply ate whatever was in her bowl from left to right. That stuck with me so I tried. I then tried to not take more of what I liked and less of what I disliked. Slowly I made some progress and started to try to take some of what I thought I would not like. After that I realized I was attached to the individual taste so that even if something tasted bad it was still ok because I could still eat something else that tasted good afterwards. To counter that I began to mix all the food up in my bowl.

Sweets came next. I used two have two buns with peanut butter and jelly so I tried to cut those off. While under the 8 precepts that became really hard and highlighted how I was looking for “entertainment” all the time: not being able to watch movies or play my body took it out on food which was still “allowed”. So with my wife we started to do something else and limited our meals to one single bowl. That helped to an extent as I could only pile so many pieces of cake on top of one another without it looking really bad in the dining hall.

After a few weeks the craves started to subside at which point I began trying to be more mindful, eat slower and not wander with my thoughts while I ate. This has been extremely beneficial and I’ve enjoyed the practice very much.

The second topic was pointing to bad things and for extension judging, harsh language, complaining and gossiping. Very much like food, once I started paying attention to the words that came out of my mouth in a day, ceremonies etc excluded, it was amazing how many were not positive and simply the fruits of deluded thoughts. Thoughts of expectations, thoughts of what should have been and wasn’t, thoughts of what I’d liked. I tried to recall, before moving here, what kind of conversations I’d have in the course of a normal day and I couldn’t come up with much that now would feel useful. As a result of cutting off that sort of speedch there was a lot more silence in my day and positivity, which has brought me peace and joy. It reminded me that complaining is useless, you either can do something about the problem, in which case you better do, or it’s just better to let it be.

The added quietness also helped me seeing more clearly the roots of my judgements and it became obvious that they all came from the same place: my mind. Not only that, they were often my own faults projected onto others. That brought back to mind and old quote, from before I encountered Buddhism I think: everything around us is merely a reflection of ourselves.

It’s been about two months that I’ve been focusing on my greed, on harsh language and in general mindfulness in the present moment and as I said I’ve never been more joyful. In fact pretty much the day I started doing this I felt better already and began again to go to ceremonies and read sutras and my sitting has improved, altho I still find it all very difficult.

Going through this practice has also provided an opening to reflect on precepts. For the month of repentance my wife and I took the 8th precepts and it’s been an incredible experience. I had only taken them for up to a week during past retreats and that was already a challenge to the point that initially I didn’t want to do it for a month this time. In the end I agreed to and I’m glad I did. While eating one meal a day for the month I’ve rarely been hungry and now that the month is over, and with that the 8th precepts, I’ve been hungry non stop. I think that does speak to the power of not just precepts, but vows.

I know that Sutras, ceremonies, sitting and other practices are important, but right now it’s really being useful to follow this practice and focus on the six principles in every moment. I think what helps me the most is that I can see the progress. As it stands I can’t see the West Pure Land, but I can see my hunger, my desire for entertainment, I can see my thoughts and hear my words, I can hear the requests for help and see myself responding or not, or their behaviors and my judging or not judging.

Working on this for the last couple months and managing to get a little bit more detached from what were attachment of a lifetime, like food, proved me that I can change. The strength I felt from the vows proved me that the Buddha Nature is there, compassionately and patiently waiting for me to let go of my delusions.

We always say that there are 84K Dharma doors and while I don’t know what mine is I am grateful that I’ve had enough support to be able to put down what I was trying before and do this for a little while. I admit it’s hard at times to not feel judged. We seem to have very specific views of how we should go about our practice, the ceremonies, the classes, the studies, and I’m never quite sure if I’m causing harm to myself by not following more closely or if instead this, at least with my current causes and conditions, is my Middle Way. And maybe that in itself is my projection, but with no wisdom the struggle to understand is always there.

For this reason I’d like to conclude by requesting this Dharma assembly to renew their vows of compassion and kindness and help those of us who, like me, need practical ways to bring the Dharma in their daily lives as a form of cultivation.

Amituofo.