黃媛媛居士2024年11月19日講於萬佛聖城大殿

All Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, Venerable Master, Dharma Masters and Dharma friends, Amituofo.

諸佛菩薩、上人、各位法師、各位佛友，阿彌陀佛！

My name is Sophie Huang. My Dharma name is Qin Yuan. I came from China and have lived in the US for over 14 years. In March this year I took the 5 precepts in CTTB, because I finally consider myself a buddhist after two years of study in DRBU. But my journey to the Dharma was much longer than two years. In fact, it took me 40 years.

我叫黃媛媛，法號親緣。我來自中國，在美國住了有14年多。今年3月我在聖城受了五戒，因為在法大學習了兩年後我終於認為自己是一個佛教徒。然而我走向佛法的路卻遠遠不止兩年，實際上花了我整整40年。

I was born and raised in China. As far as I know, no one in my family is a buddhist. My initial impression about Buddhism was very superficial and largely influenced by traditional Chinese culture. I’ve always known that the Buddha was good and kind, and I had a lot of respect for him, but I never thought I would study the Dharma and become a buddhist myself.

我在中國出生長大。據我所知，家裏沒有一個佛教徒。我一開始對佛教的印象非常膚淺，而且大部分是受了中國傳統習俗的影響，多少有些負面。我一直懂得佛是好的、是善良的，我也很尊敬他，但是從沒想過自己會學習佛法並做一個佛教徒。

My earliest encounter of the Buddha – if you can call it an encounter – happened when I was about 10 years old. It was during a summer break and I was in my hometown – Luoyang, where I was born and lived for 10 years. I remember writing in my summer diary one day, about finding a small Buddha statue in the field. I brought it home and washed it clean. And then I put my palms together and bowed to it. I might have said Amituofo as well.

我與佛最早的因緣，如果這也算是因緣的話，發生在我大約10歲的時候。當時我在家鄉洛陽，正在放暑假。記得有一天我在暑期日記裡寫到，我在地裏發現了一尊小佛像。我把他帶回家，給他洗乾淨，然後雙手合十拜了一拜。我好像還說了一句阿彌陀佛。

Nobody taught me to do that. I just intuitively knew it was a good thing to do. To be honest, I don’t even remember if this event actually happened. I only vaguely remember writing about it in my diary. Now, I’d like to think of this seemingly insignificant event as a seed that I planted in the past, which finally brought me to the Dharma some 30 years later.

沒人教過我這麼做，我只是冥冥中覺得好像應該這麼做。說實話，我並不記得這件事是不是真的發生過。我只是隱約記得在日記裡寫過它。如今我喜歡把這件事當作是當初種下的一顆種子，30年後終於把我帶到了佛法面前。

Over the 30 years, it seems that I never stopped my own quest. I like the word “quest” because it sums up my life or at least a large portion of it. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve been on a quest for something, though this thing changed over time. Oftentimes I didn’t even know what I was questing for at the moment, and would only see it later by looking back at life.

這30年間我好像從來沒有停止過探索。我喜歡“探索”這個詞，因為它總結了我的人生，至少是我人生的一大部分。從青少年時候開始，我就一直在探索著什麼，雖然這個探索的對象隨著時間在改變。常常連我自己也不知道當時在探索的是什麼，只有後來回頭看的時候才能看清楚。

From what I learned in DRBU, Shakyamuni Buddha himself was one who never stopped his quest either. The Buddha’s quest for peace and enlightenment started with his realization that there is suffering, and seeing it as it really is. Not desiring suffering for himself and others, he went on the quest for peace and enlightenment.

我在法大的課程裏學到，釋迦牟尼佛本人也從未停止過他的探索。佛對於安寧和開悟的探索始於他認識到人間有苦的存在, 並且真正看清楚了苦的真面目。他不想要自己和別人都受這些苦，於是走上了對於安寧和開悟的探索之路。

Like the Buddha, one cannot understand suffering until one truly sees it for what it is, realizes what it really means to suffer and how it feels viscerally. My quest for peace and the path to cultivation only started after I experienced and realized what it really means and feels to suffer. One such realization happened in July 2022, when I was at the Guan Yin retreat in Buddha Root Farm.

就像佛一樣，一個人除非能看清楚苦的真面目，能認識到受苦到底意味著什麼，以及身心是一種什麼感受，否則就無法明白苦到底是什麼。我也是在經歷過痛苦，明白受苦到底是什麼感受之後，才開始了對於安寧和修行之路的探索。其中一個感受發生在2022年7月，當時我正在佛根地參加觀音七。

The day was hot and I didn’t sleep well the night before, because my tent was wet and I was cold all night. I woke up feeling miserable and grumpy. During the walking recitation I complained about everything in my mind: the woods were a terrible place to camp; the tent I used was not good enough; the sleeping mat I bought was not the right kind; I’m not a camper and I shouldn’t have gone to the retreat; what was I doing with my life…and on and on.

那天天氣很熱，前一個晚上我沒有睡好，因為帳篷裏整晚都很濕很冷。早上醒來的時候我很難受，脾氣很不好。繞唸的時候，我滿腦子都是抱怨：這個樹林真不是露營的好地方；我用的帳篷不夠好；帶的睡袋沒有選對；我本來就不愛好露營真不應該來參加這個觀音七；我的人生到底在做什麼啊⋯⋯我就這樣不斷地抱怨。

In the midst of this mental storm, all of a sudden I caught myself and it occurred to me: this is suffering; this is what it means to suffer! I thought to myself: “This suffering is horrible and I really don’t want it. But how do I get rid of it?” Then I realized, that is the reason we recite Guan Yin’s name – to lead our mind away from suffering! So I calmed my mind and continued the recitation with more determination.

怨氣在我頭腦裡像風暴一樣積壓著，突然間我意識到了自己的想法，接著就領悟到：這就是受苦呀；受苦就是這個意思啊！我心裏想：“這個苦真是太糟糕啦，我真的不想要啊！但是我要怎樣才能不受苦呢？”這時候我意識到，原來這就是為什麼我們要念觀音菩薩的名號，就是要帶我們的頭腦遠離受苦！於是我就平靜下來繼續繞唸，心裏更堅定了一些。

My first realization of suffering, however, happened about 9 years ago. In Pāli Sutta, the Buddha said to a householder who lost his only son: “Sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief, and despair are born from those who are dear, arise from those who are dear.” This deeply resonated with me, because it was through the death of someone who was dearest to me, my father, that I finally saw the truth of suffering.

然而我第一次真正領悟到受苦的意義，是在大約9年前。記得我學過的一部巴利文經書裏提到，佛對一位痛失獨生子的家長說：“悲、哀、傷、痛、和絕望，都源於我們所愛的人，都因為我們所愛的人而生起。” 我對此深有同感。我就是因為一個摯愛的人，我父親的離世，才終於看清了苦的真相。

You see, ever since I was little I’ve had a strong attachment to my father. He was my hero, my idol. All I ever wanted was to make him proud and to spend more time with him. But it was impossible because he was a busy man, and because he wasn’t happy in his marriage with my mother, he kept away from my mother, my brother, and me.

要知道，我從小就非常依戀我的父親。他在我心裡如同一個英雄、一位偶像。我一直想要的都是讓他為我驕傲，和他花更多的時間在一起。但這是不可能的，因為他是個大忙人，也因為他和我的母親婚姻不愉快，這讓他總是離我母親、我、還有我弟弟都遠遠的。

The irony is, the less time I got to spend with my father the more I wanted it. So I became obsessed with it. I would run memories with him in my head over and over again like a video tape. I would daydream about ways to make him proud and then he would love me. And I would fantasize about him getting old and I would care for him, and then I’ll get to spend all the time I want with him.

可笑的是，和父親相處的時間越少我的渴望就越多。我變得癡迷起來，會在腦子裡不斷回想和他一起的時光，像看錄影帶一樣。我會做白日夢一樣地想著如何讓他為我驕傲，這樣他就會愛我。我也幻想著等他老了我要照顧他，那樣我想花多少時間和他在一起就能花多少時間和他在一起。

All these dreams and hopes were shattered when he passed away 9 years ago. In fact my whole world collapsed. For half a year after his passing, I cried almost everyday. I started to question everything in my life, my work, my relationships, and all my big decisions. Little by little I fell apart, and my relationships soon followed. Then everything lost its meaning and I couldn’t feel any joy in life. By the time I realized this was suffering, I was deep in severe depression.

然而9年前他離世的時候，我所有的夢想和希望都被粉碎了。我的整個世界都崩塌了。他離世後的半年裡，我幾乎每天都哭。我開始質疑自己生命中的一切，我的工作、人際關係，和我做過的所有重大決定。一點一點，我開始崩潰，我和周圍人的關係也開始破裂。然後一切對我來說都失去了意義，我的人生感受不到一絲喜悅。後來當我意識到我在受苦的時候，我已經患上了嚴重的抑鬱症。

Now when I think back, I consider myself lucky, because I was able to realize that I was suffering. I am even grateful that my suffering brought me to the Dharma. That in itself is worth all the suffering that I experienced in my entire life. Sometimes I even think that maybe my relationship with my father was the way it was, exactly because it was meant to bring me to the Dharma. And because of that, my relationship with him feels all the more beautiful and loving, just the way it was.

現在回想起來我覺得自己是幸運的，因為我還能意識到自己在受苦。我甚至感激我受的苦帶我找到了佛法。這本身就讓我這輩子受過的所有苦都變得值得。有時我甚至覺得，我和我父親的關係之所以是那樣的，就是因為它要把我帶向佛法。只為這一點，我感覺我和父親的關係原本就是美好而充滿愛的。

Thinking back on life, I believe I may have some affinities with Guanyin. I believe she buried a seed of compassion in me with the death of my father. I say this because the timing of my father’s passing was unbelievable to me.

回想人生，我相信我和觀音菩薩也許是有一些緣分的。我相信她通過我父親的離世在我心裡埋下了一顆慈悲的種子。我這麼說是因為我父親離世的時間在我看來是不可思議的。

At the time I was working in the US and only got to spend more time with my family during the Christmas break. It was the end of December, after a few weeks at home I was ready to return to the US, when my father suddenly passed away the night before my return, due to a stroke.

當時我已經在美國工作，只有聖誕節假期才能回家呆比較久陪伴家人。那是12月底，我已經在家呆了幾個星期準備回美國了，而我父親就在我要離開的前一個晚上因為中風而離世。

As sad as I was, I couldn’t believe the timing of his passing. If he had passed away a day earlier I would have spent a day less with him. If he had passed away a day later, I would have been on my flight back to the US. I thought to myself, there must have been some higher power planning the timing for me, a higher power that has mercy or compassion for me, because I feel her compassion in my heart, and I’m grateful for it.

雖然很傷心，我卻對他離世的時間感到難以置信。如果他早一天離開，我就會和他相處少一天，如果他晚一天離開，我就登上了回美國的飛機。我心裡想，一定有一種更高的力量在為我計劃這一切，這種力量對我是仁慈的、慈悲的，因為我心裡能夠感受到這種慈悲，我因此而感激。

Now I have faith in reciting Guan Yin’s name. My faith in it was established from a personal experience in the summer of 2023. I was returning from the Buddha Root Farm retreat early in the morning together with two others in my car. It was only a day after the retreat had started. The reason for our early departure was due to a COVID case and that person had been in my car. So, all three of us had to leave early, to prevent a COVID outbreak.

如今我相信念觀音菩薩名號的力量。我這個信念是從2023年夏天的一次個人經歷得來的。當時我剛在佛根地參加了一天觀音七，第二天一早就要和另外兩個人提前開車返程，因為和我同車去的人裡有一個得了新冠。為了不傳染給別人，我們同車的三個人都要提前返回。

It was nearly a 10 hour drive and I was the only driver. We had to wear masks all the way and were advised by Rev. Heng Sure to recite Guanyin’s name the whole way back. So I recited as much as I could, out of fear of getting COVID. The car windows were open most of the time, and all I could hear was the sound of wind blowing and my recitation of “Namo Guan Shi Yin Pu Sa.” We arrived safely in Ukiah late in the evening.

回程要開車幾乎10個小時，我是唯一一個司機。我們一路都要戴口罩，恆實法師還囑咐我們一路都要念觀音菩薩名號。因為害怕得新冠，我就儘量一路都在念。路上車窗幾乎一直都開著，我耳邊聽到的都是風吹過的聲音和我低聲念的“南無觀世音菩薩”。傍晚的時候我們安全抵達了Ukiah。

After a long day of driving I was supposed to feel tired both in my body and mind, but surprisingly I wasn’t. Instead I felt something that was hard to describe. My body felt light and my mind felt bright. I couldn’t say I was happy, but I was calm and peaceful with a sense of joy. At the dinner table with a friend, it came to me — I realized I was at ease, both body and mind. I chuckled at my realization, because isn’t that her other name — the Bodhisattva who’s always at ease (Guan Zi Zai)? Perhaps she was with me. Perhaps I was able to embody her after all that recitation.

開了一天的車我本該感到身心疲憊，但驚訝的是我一點也不累。反而，我當時的感覺難以描述。我身體感到輕盈，心感覺很明亮。我說不上是開心，但覺得平靜、安寧，還有一點喜悅。和朋友晚飯的時候我意識到了 —— 我身心感受到的應該算是自在吧。我輕聲笑了起來，因為那不就是觀音菩薩的別號嗎，觀自在，因為她一直都自在？也許她就在我心裡，也許經過一天的念誦我能夠體現她。

At that moment I thought I might have understood how recitation works. We don’t recite to anybody, not even ourselves. We recite to our own true nature, to the fundamental awareness, the Bodhisattva and the Budda inside us. That’s the ground where all higher powers connect with us. We access other powers by embodying them. We borrow power from Guanyin by becoming her, one small piece at a time, one recitation at a time.

那時我想我大概理解了念誦是什麼原理。我們不是唸給給別人聽，甚至也不是給我們自己聽。我們是念給我們的自性，給我們的本覺，我們內在的佛菩薩聽。在那裡所有更高的力量都和我們在一起。我們通過自身的體現來獲取這些力量。通過變成觀音我們才能借取她的力量，一次一點點，一次一句念誦。

As a matter of fact, my connection to CTTB and Master Hua was also built little by little. I first got to know about CTTB and Master Hua in 2019. A friend recommended that I attend the Guan Yin retreat hosted by DRBU, so I went online and checked out the DRBU website and CTTB website. Although I decided not to join that retreat, I had gained some impressions about the Master, CTTB, and DRBU.

要說起來，我和聖城以及上人的聯繫也是一點點建立起來的。我最初知道聖城和上人是在2019年。那時有位朋友推薦我參加法大主辦的觀音七，於是我上網看了看法大和聖城的內容。雖然並沒有參加那一次的觀音七，但是心中卻對上人、聖城，和法大留下了印象。

After I came to DRBU I felt gratitude for Master Hua and CTTB, but never anything out of the ordinary. Sometimes when I heard Dharma Masters or other people talk about their deep affinities with Master Hua, I felt envious and wished that one day I could have such a deep connection with Master Hua from my heart too. Perhaps a seed of my wish was secretly buried in my heart, later something happened to me.

來到法大後，我心中雖然對上人和聖城存有感激之情，卻並不覺得有超乎尋常的感受。有時聽到法師或者別的居士談到他們與上人的深刻緣分，我感到很羨慕，也希望自己有一天能和上人有這樣發自內心的深刻聯繫。或許是心中默默埋下了願望的種子吧，後來就發生了這樣一件事。

It was the spring of 2023, during my second semester in DRBU. One afternoon, I took two friends from DRBU to Ukiah to look at a house they were going to rent, because they were going to graduate in a few months. I remember the weather was cold and gloomy and the sun was about to set. Perhaps I was under the influence of the weather, I sudenly felt a sense of despair while listening to them talking to the house owner. 

那是2023年春天，我就讀法大第二個學期。一天下午，我載兩個法大的朋友去Ukiah城裏看房子。她們一兩個月後就要畢業了，想找房子租。我記得當時天氣又陰又冷，太陽也快要下山了。或許是受到天氣影響吧，在聽那兩個朋友和屋主談話的時候，我忽然有一種絕望的感覺。

The voice of despair was telling me that I may be in the same situation like my friends in a year, or maybe worse! Maybe I won’t be able to find a place to stay, and maybe I won’t be able to find a job to support myself. Maybe I would be left alone all by myself and nobody would care. All my friends from DRBU would be gone and worst of all, I have to leave DRBU and CTTB too! With these thoughts I started to feel anxious and depressed, and tears started to build in my eyes.

那個絕望的聲音告訴我也許一年後我也會像我的朋友一樣要到處找房子租，或者更糟！我可能會連住的地方也找不到，可能也找不到工作養活我自己。也許我就會孤單一個人沒人關心。我在法大的朋友們也都要離開。更糟糕的是，我自己也要離開法大和聖城！想著想著我就感到又焦慮又抑鬱，眼淚不由得在眼眶裡打轉。

On our way back to CTTB my heart sank to the bottom. I didn’t know what to do. But as we got on Talmage Road and got closer to CTTB, I could feel that my heart was lifted and started to warm up. It was lifted more and more and got warmer and warmer as we got closer to CTTB. By the time we were so close that I could see the gate of CTTB, tears burst out from my eyes.

在回聖城的路上我的心情跌到了谷底，不知道該怎麼辦。但是當我的車開到Talmage這邊比較靠近聖城的時候，我能感到心情開始放鬆，也有了一絲溫暖。我們越靠近聖城我的心就越放鬆、越溫暖。等到我能夠看見聖城山門的時候，我的眼淚就止不住流了下來。

This time it was not tears of despair but tears of gratitude. I started to understand the profound meaning and magnitude of Master Hua’s work and vows. If it wasn’t for him I probably wouldn’t have encountered the Dharma, not to mention studying. Nor would I have such an amazing place to call home for two years. And there wouldn’t be such a loving and caring community that I am proud to be part of.

這次我流下的不是絕望的淚水，而是感恩的淚水。我開始能夠明白上人的善行和願力有多麼深刻的意義和重要的作用。如果不是因為他我也許無法遭遇佛法，更不用說學習了。我也無法有機會在如此殊勝的道場生活兩年，身邊也不會有一個如此充滿慈愛和關懷、讓我為之驕傲的群體。

As I was thinking this, I got to the crossroad right in front of the mountain gate. At that moment I could see in my mind’s eye that Master Hua was standing right above the mountain gate, perhaps hundred of meters tall, in his golden robe, with his arms  wide open and a big smile on his face, as if welcoming us home. I have this heavenly place to call home and it is filled with Dharma. To me, at that moment, CTTB really was the Land of Ultimate Bliss.

想著想著我就開到了山門前的十字路口。那一刻我腦海裡似乎能看到上人就站在山門上，也許有幾百米高，他身披金色袈裟，張開雙臂、笑容滿面，彷彿在歡迎我們回家。這裡就是我的家，它像天堂一般，而且充滿了佛法。那一刻對我來說，聖城真的就是極樂國度。